Do you have a friend that reveals every juicy detail about their relationship(s) to you? I mean, you know the about the good times, bad times, and the downright ugly and (maybe sometimes) scary times. Many of us chalk it up as a responsibility that comes along with being a good friend. Offering a safe place for your friend to confide in, seek support, and a shoulder to cry on. As things progress, they expect you to roll with the highs and lows of the relationship just as they do. Forgiving and forgetting all the horrible things their partner subjected them to along the way. But, slowly and surely enough, you find yourself resenting your friend’s boo because you are tired of seeing and/or hearing about all the hurtful things they have done. You may start to verbalize your dislike for their partner, begin to treat them differently, or even feel strongly enough to “defend” your friend and confront them. Then out of nowhere, your friend dumps you when they and their partner realize you don’t like them together. But the reason you are no longer #TeamThem is because of the horrible picture your friend painted of their relationship in your eyes! Frustrating right?
I feel this topic is very touchy for many reasons. Because one, you never want to seem like a hater. But you also don’t want to seem like you could care less about your friend and her relationship (good or bad). However, there are times when other people and their relationship problems can be just too much! Think about it, if your friend’s relationship causes you as much (or more) stress and anxiety as it causes the ones that are actually in the relationship… you are way too invested. As I have said once before, it pays to mind your business. But how can you do that when the drama constantly shows up at your front door? Like clockwork your friend comes to you distressed about yet another fight, and as their friend, how can you not be there for them? But then when it gets to be too much and you decide to speak or act on it, you get left in the dust; essentially being punished for being a friend.
We all know that relationships are not perfect. There are good and bad times. But what goes on between two people (unless there is abuse or someone’s life is in danger) should be left between those two people. Especially in situations like this, but that does not mean it will be easy. Just remember that there is a fine line between venting and sharing too much information. Too much information almost always leads to trouble. Boundaries have to be set. Hell, you want your friend to feel comfortable enough to come to you and share things with you about anything. But you need to figure out if your friend is simply venting or if they are signing you up for BS. Crap happens, couples disagree and people should be able to vent about their frustrations from time to time. That being said, I do believe in toxic behavior and toxic relationships. Friend or not, you need to recognize that some people (as I have said time and time again) live for drama! They love being immersed in it and involving those around them in drama as well. You cannot take the bait! Because the moment you do, you become a part of the toxic relationship and you will be the one made to look like the bad guy.
It is easy to look at your friend’s partner as the root of all evil and wanting to protect them. But shouldn’t your friend also be held accountable? After all, aren’t they the ones that involuntarily subjected you to all this tension? I mean don’t get me wrong. It is not necessarily a bad thing to share your business. Like I said earlier, sometimes people just need to vent. However, I think it is extremely ridiculous and selfish for someone to put all their business on blast and then be upset when people feel some type of way or have something to say about it. They refuse to recognize that they were the ones telling all of their business, painting negative pictures of their partners in other people’s eyes, and spreading negative energy, they’d rather cut people off. If you are one of those people, I hate to break it to you… but you are the reason why your friends/family dislikes your partner. The people you love the most can’t possibly get along because you are stirring up tension. We are all grown here, be with who you want to. But just because you sign up for the relationship and all its ups and downs doesn’t mean your friends/family did. So here are a few things you need to consider…
1. Everything isn’t for everybody.
This includes the ins and outs of your relationship. If the information you share will cause your friend’s perception of your partner to severely change, take a moment and think about if you really want to share it. Things you think may not be a big deal may be an actual deal-breaker to someone else.
2. Just because you forgave and forgot doesn’t mean your friend(s)/family have.
Let me be clear. Your friends and family do not owe your partner anything! They rock with you. Period! That being said, why would anyone that cares about you be ok with someone else mistreating you? If you want to continue sharing your business you need to remember that not everyone may be as quick to forgive or forget as you do because they are not the ones in the relationship.
3. Respect yourself, and respect your partner.
Read that again, and again.
4. Put yourself in your friend(s) shoes.
If the roles were reversed, how would you feel? Would you also not want the best for your friend? Especially when you know all of their relationship woes? Well remember that the next time you get an attitude about them not being too enthused about your relationship.
Facebook: Monique Elise